Gaps are Good

My friend Donna came to work one morning and said Ugh it was so embarrassing!

I said Why? What happened now?

She said I was with my mother in the produce aisle at Waldbaums when a 16 year old stockboy who was in the middle of arranging peaches into a pyramid smiled at her and said: Hi--how ya doing?

But instead of answering the young man with the expected answer of Fine thank you; Donna’s mother instead replied with: Just terrible. Last month my husband had a bad cough from a cold and the doctor put him in the hospital. They did some tests but he died 3 days later from complications from lung cancer of all things. And now I am left alone in a big house with all this financial responsibility and…..

It was at this point that Donna pulled her mother away from the poor shell shocked boy and said Mom—Stop!--he doesn’t care.

Flash forward.

I am standing at a wake next to one of my dearest friends when a second removed acquaintance taps her  on the shoulder and inquires How’s your Mom doing?

Without skipping a beat my friend said Fine--thank you for asking.

The second-removed acquaintance added I haven’t seen your Mom in a long time—please send her my regards.

My friend smiled and responded I will.

My friend was not lying. Her mother was fine within the context of recent events. Events—that were of no concern or business of the second-removed acquaintance.

Because there is a firm line between polite conversation and genuine interest. One must always consider the length of the connector before plugging in. Too little information is always  better than too much. Erring  on the side of edited response is always the more benign option.

Gaps are good.

Because as songwriter Jackson Browne correctly observes in a 1974 lyric: Maybe people only ask you how you are doing because it is easier than letting on how little they could care.