I have three daughters who are two years apart in age. Kara is my youngest child. She is different than her two older sisters. Kara’s position as the youngest child in the family has shaped her into a well-adjusted, self-reliant, forward thinking young adult. At age 20, she has seen and done more than many of her peers. She is accomplished. And but for only one time in high school, she has successfully flown under my parental radar. Kara by no means was an angel; she was just more astute at playing the game. And knowing how to play the game is enough sometimes to make a winner.
Kara never had a real nap but for in the stroller and her car seat. Kara was forced to attend every game, concert, and dance performance of her older sisters—she got schlepped around everywhere---and as the youngest, despite her 100% attendance at all her sisters’ events, Kara had no fans and no audience. No one would come—they were either old enough to stay at home by themselves or were busy with their own activities.
Kara was (and is) the beneficiary of my tired parenting. Kara and I would eat ice cream for lunch sometimes just because we could. Kara had the coolest clothes and accessories because I forgot that I was not supposed to spend so much money on a child so young. I parented Kara differently because I felt no obligation to repeat mistakes I had made with the other two. I evolved. And Kara was able to observe her sister’s pitfalls and errors in judgment and adjust accordingly. As a teenager, Kara had the rare gift of thinking beyond five minutes from now.
At the dinner table one night, when Kara was in tenth grade, and Sam was a sophomore at Lehigh, the two sisters had a heart to heart. Sam told Kara:
“You know, Mom is really good at finding out when you do something wrong. She figures things out really quickly so you have to realize that if you do something wrong, she will know, and you will get into big trouble. So if you find yourself at a party, and there is drinking going on…”
But before I go on with the story, we need to stop for a minute. It was at this point that I felt a rush of über-proud Mommy emotion—how endearing was it to see my two daughters having this intimate little sisterly talk? A Kodak moment: the older sister was about to impart keen advice to her little sister-- I was living a Hallmark card. That is until Sam finished her homily. Sam went on to tell Kara that since Mom was really good at finding things out, “it’s a good idea to weigh whether the party and the drinking is worth the punishment.” In other words—it’s okay to drink and go to parties---just don’t waste your punishment on a lame event--- the punishment should always undercut the reward of the party experience.
When Sam was in high school she would call me on a Saturday night and say:
Sam: Mom. So-in-so is having a few people over. Can I go?
Me: Are the parents home and will there be drinking?
Sam: Yes, the parents are home; and no, there will not be drinking.
Result: The parents were not home and people were drinking. Sam gets grounded.
When Briana was in high school she would call me on a Saturday night and say:
Briana: Mom. I am going to so-in so’s house. Don’t worry. The parents are home. No one is drinking.
Me: Are you sure?
Briana: Of course. You need to trust me.
Result: The parents were not home and people were drinking. Briana gets grounded.
When Kara was in high school she would call me on a Saturday night and say:
Kara: Mom I have been invited to so-in-so’s. No-- no one is home, and yes-- I assume there will be drinking . May I still go?
Me: Okay fine—but be safe. Call me when you want to get picked up.
Kara: Thank you Mom. I am not stupid. I’ll call you before things get too crazy.
Result: Kara gets praised for being honest. Her BAC is <.01. Kara does not get grounded.
Sometimes being the youngest, especially if you have acute critical thinking skills and a mother who is tired and does not believe in absolutes, is a glorious thing. People like to say it is not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. Never underestimate how to play the game. As long as your foot does not cross the edge of the white line, no matter how close you are to actually touching it, you will not receive a penalty. Statistics show, winners commit very few penalties. Knowing the rules and designing practical strategies is key to having a successful playing career.
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