I remember when I was little that both sets of my grandparents would compare Italian words and phrases. My maternal and paternal grandparents spoke 2 different dialects—so even though the 4 of them spoke the Italian language, sometimes they did not understand each other. Some words had different meanings, and the colloquialisms lent themselves to confusion sometimes. And that does not just happen in a foreign language. That can happen in English as well—and the geographic distance need not be that great for language confusion and phrase differences. I know. I grew up in Westchester and my husband grew up in Brooklyn. And sometimes that fact led to Abbott and Costello Who’s on First-like comedy routines.
I had a wonderful mother-in-law. We never shared harsh words. I know that in her heart of hearts she would have preferred that her son had lived in Brooklyn and married a Brooklyn girl, but she never voiced that opinion. She was always kind to me. And even when she may have disapproved, she said nothing (or at least nothing to me—maybe my sister-in-law got an earful).
Anyway the fact that I grew up in suburbia and knew only suburban things and she lived in Brooklyn and knew only city things, led to differences in reference points and language nuances. So when I called my mother-in-law to excitedly tell her that we (Arthur and I) had bought our first house, the conversation didn’t go all that well.
I called Anna, my mother-in-law, and said Mom we bought a house! And she said Where is it? And I said Garden City. And then she said Oh that’s nice, what kind of neighborhood is it? And I said Oh it’s a nice neighborhood. To which she said No—what kind of neighborhood is it? And I was confused. I just told her it was a nice neighborhood-- what else did she want me to say? So I answered again: Oh it’s very nice—there is a park nearby and the school is around the corner. And now she seemed a little annoyed—not that she said anything—it was something I sensed. And she said No--what kind of neighborhood is it? And I thought I knew what she meant so I was forced to say oh-- it’s white. And she said of course I know that-- I mean what kind of people are in the neighborhood? And I said oh I am sure they are very nice people (and I am sure she was thinking enough with the nice already what’s wrong with this girl). So she sighed and said Is the neighborhood Italian? And I said Oh I don’t know. I haven’t met anyone yet. So she said well didn’t the realtor know? Didn’t Arthur ask? And I said well how would the realtor know? And Anna said –well that’s the realtor’s job-- I don’t understand you people--how could you not know the kind of people you will be living with? And I thought but did not say well if you haven’t met your neighbors how would you know what their ethnic background was? There isn’t a sign on their door indicating as such . So I wasn’t getting it, and I am sure neither was she, so we just abandoned this line of questioning and moved on.
But then Anna asked How many sides is the house attached on? Okay—confused again--and scared that she was going to think I was being fresh if I asked for clarification so I thought long and hard. Hmm aren’t all houses attached on all sides? If the sides of the house weren’t attached, wouldn’t the house fall down? So I said the house is attached on all sides. And now she sounded really confused. And she said how could it be attached on all sides? I never heard of such a thing. And I said—because I was trying really hard not to make her angry and her tone was getting a bit prickly and I was trying not to be fresh-- I just was not achieving the desired level of communication necessary for comprehension—so I said all four sides of the house are all attached together. To which with exhaustion she said—No--I mean what kind of house is it? is it like mine? And I said Oh—no--it’s not brick. Again, more frustration—because that still wasn’t what she meant. So she said No I mean is it attached like my house in Brooklyn? And then I understood—she meant was the house at the end or the middle of a row house—was it semi or fully detached--oh now I get it—so I said oh no it is not attached on any sides. It’s a single family 100% detached home. Wheew: conversation complete.
When Briana was in first grade she took a cognitive test. And because not all first graders could read, the exam was pictorial. And one of the questions involved 4 pictures of a party—and the students were expected to put the pictures in their proper time sequence. Briana got the question wrong. Briana chose as the first picture in the time sequence to put the picture of the Mom vacuuming first and not last in the time sequence. In her world, the first thing she knew to do in preparation of a party was to clean the house before company came. Technically she got the exam question correct. Her frame of reference was just different than the cognitive test company.
And that’s what Anna and I had to overcome—our reference points. Like my Nonny and Grandpas we needed to discern dialect and colloquialisms. Our words were sometimes the same but the meanings were very different. My suburban-ness and her urban-ness often caused confusion and often consternation. But it didn’t mean we didn’t love each other, it just meant we needed to be patient with one another. And I miss her—especially her laugh—especially her laugh when we realized that we weren’t talking about the same thing----like when said she said “gravy” and I thought she meant the brown stuff you serve with roast beef when what she really meant is what I called “Sunday sauce.”
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