Packing Suitcases

One of my many jobs as chief household officer is travel administrator—I am in charge of packing suitcases. My job is to prepare and arrange coordinated outfits for suitcase entry. Formerly this was a task I orchestrated for the entire family—but now it is reduced to packing for just me and my husband. And up until the last 2 times I went away, it was a sore spot for me. I hated being in charge. I also hated not being in charge and dealing with the repercussions from my lack of supervision.

I resented that if I told my husband to pull some things out of his closet for me to peruse—he would do just that—pull the top 4 folded shirts and paired them with the nearest 4 shorts or pants hanging in his closet. There was no thought involved. It was a mathematical equation: 4 + 4. He didn’t worry that anything matched or whether it was seasonally appropriate--it was an issue he would figure out once he got to his destination. That is not how I operate. I like to pre-coordinate. Packing is not simple arithmetic for me. It is quadratic equation with lots of variables.

So to avoid conflict at our destination I would pull his outfits and pack them in his suitcase. And I painstakingly matched ensembles. There generally was little crossover opportunities. Certain shirts only coordinated with certain pants. And that held true for t-shirts and bathing suits as well. And when my husband dared to randomly pull the first pair of shorts/pants/bathing suit and shirt out of the suitcase and wear it, I would blow a gasket. And he would call me uptight. Sometimes he would ask me am I allowed to pair these two things?—but since there was a hint of sarcasm in the inquiry, again, I would have to restrain my annoyance. This little dance went on for 25 years.

But on our last trip and the one before, I came up with a new and improved plan. It only took me nearly 26 years to figure it out. I still pack for him, but what I pack has changed. I pack fully interchangeable clothing. Every top matches every bottom. And that includes shoes, belts and sweaters too. It is error proof. My destination consultant work is obsolete.

And now we have a different dance. He says may I wear this with that? And I say Yep. Or this with this, or that with that. You can wear anything you want with anything you want. And at first he thought I was being sarcastic. He suspected a trap of some sort. This was too good to be true. So he further inquired-- oh really-- I can wear this with either that or that? And I said yes. It is totally up to you. You have complete freedom.

And I am not sure but I don’t think he liked his new freedom very much. It is way easier when someone tells you what to do. It is way easier to relinquish control. It allows your brain to remain rested—and that is the point of vacation: rest.  It’s more fun to be annoyed at your spouse for being too uptight. It’s a marital sport—a sparring match. Pre-resolving the conflict stole the rush of anticipation. There was no fuse to ignite. This new routine was boring.

It’s important in life to choose your battles. It is important to realize that sometimes when things annoy you, you have the power to catalyze change. Sometimes you yourself are part of the problem instead of the solution. I wanted him to be me—I finally figured out after all these years that that is not going to happen.  So I had to create a way to make both of us happy—that’s what chief household officers do—they are skilled in conflict resolution. They allow all parties to reach consensus. But it took me a long time to arrive at this place—26 years in fact. Sometimes the learning curve has the barest of slopes.