At a PTA meeting at the high school, an enraged parent stood up and forcefully complained to the then principal Mr Okulski that at the Winter Wonderland dance that previous Saturday night, her child was on a party bus and their date overdrank and ended up in the hospital. She was outraged that the principal permitted party buses to enter the parking lot. She was angry that her poor child was surrounded by a bunch of underage drinkers and had to attend the dance without a date.
And even though at that point in time I had had no experience with teenage drinking (Samantha was a freshman) and I might have been tempted to be swept in the mass crucifixion of “bad kids” and “bad parents” and “what was the school going to do about it” sentiment, I simply thought Why did this woman allow her kid to take a party bus? At any point she could have said “no” to her kid. And why would the principal be accountable for any students’ behavior outside of school? Isn’t that what the parent(s) are for?
My Aunt Jackie and I both share a family trait. We have sharp olfactory ability---a keen sense of smell. My Uncle Victor would say you can smell a fly pass wind. And I used that ability to torture my teenage children. When they would come in from a night out they would have to pass a breathalyzer test---they were required to breathe in my face so I could smell their breath. And if they had a mint or gum in their mouth it was considered an automatic failure of the exam. I giggle to myself now at how they tried to exhale from their mouth and not their lungs. It never worked. And when they got caught with a high BAC on my nose-a-lyser, they called me a psycho (and worse) and they met with swift consequences.
On more than one occasion they each attempted to justify their actions by saying this: But Mom you don’t understand, I had to drink. My friends made me do it. Everyone was drinking. What did you want me to do—just stand there? And my response was always the same: Unless your friends held you down and opened your mouth while you protested No! No! No! and poured the alcohol down your throat against your will-- you made an active decision to drink. No one made you do it. It was your choice….and “Yes” to the part B of your question—I do expect you to stand there and not drink.
It is a lot easier to parent when you take no responsibility. It is much easier to blame your child’s bad behavior on other “bad kids” and their “bad parents” and a lack of support from a” bad principal”. It is easier to blame “this town” and “those athletes” and “the bodega” in Hempstead. The truth of the matter is kids are responsible for their own behavior—good, bad or stupid, they make decisions which must have consequences. And parents must be the enforcers of the consequences—not their friends or neighbors, not the school district, and not Officer RIch. That is a key lesson that must be learned. Because if that lesson is not learned, they (parents and kids) will be forever blaming their co-workers and boss and government for every ill in their life. Responsibility begins and ends in the home.
Since that Winter Wonderland dance in 2001 the rules have changed twice—the dance now is only open to upperclassman (so they won’t badly influence the underclassman?), the dance is held on a Friday night (because kids only know how to drink on a Saturday?) and party buses are not permitted on the school property (they park across, or down the street instead). Hand bags are checked and boys jacket pockets are padded down (google: collapsible flask).
And the woman who threw those stones at that PTA meeting ended up living in a glass house herself. Which is why it is never a good idea to cast any stones unless you are Mary, Jesus' mother (let he who is without sin cast the first stone). Only Mary can say with absolute certainty "not my child."
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