An Independent Excuse

Just to get to get from the parking lot to the door of the sorority house required walking up 3 flights of stairs. Then another 2 flights of steps needed climbing to arrive on the floor designated for the sophomore girls.

Moving my daughter in was positively exhausting.

But we were met during this process with all the other sorority girls and their parents huffing and puffing and sweating their way up the incline with their campus supplies for the upcoming year. We shared grunts and groans with all of the parent helpers--- all of the parent helpers that is but for Amelia’s.

Because both of Amelia’s parents were conspicuously absent.

They, who at minimum had the means to hire a mover, chose to skip out on the move-in process altogether. These parents stood behind the concepts of self-reliance and independence to justify their lack of engagement.

I have seen in my time 5 year olds in charge of their 3 year old siblings at the park. I have seen 5^th graders left on the field with no recourse but to ask the coach with eyes cast downward to drive them home. I have picked up and driven countless adolescents home late at night because their parents were tired and went to sleep.

All those parents used words like self-sufficiency and not-coddling and problem solving as a cover for their negligence. They exploited these ordinarily venerated terms as an excuse for not wanting to be bothered doing their job.

And recently a child of mine inquired Are we (my sisters and I) spoiled? I resoundingly said No. You are only spoiled if you do not appreciate what your parents do for you. You are only spoiled if you do not know how to say thank you--and mean it. You are only spoiled if you expect things offered in charity.

Because I cannot reconcile not doing for your children things that you would eagerly volunteer doing for a stranger. I cannot reconcile egocentricity. My heart has and continues to break for children—of all ages—who feel abandoned and must dress their sorrow as autonomy. I weep that the phrase Mommy help me goes unanswered or cannot even be asked.

Because what we teach our children becomes their parental syllabus. What we experience as children   guides our moral compass. And it is better to cross the line to over-caring than live in the valley of not caring at all.