On Coaching Girls

The little girl walked to the plate with bat in hand. The Dad, who was also her coach, yelled out Don’t forget to take the bat all the way back, keep your eye on the ball and step into that swing.

The result was a wiff—like the um-teen other times she had been at the plate.

And so the Dad repeated his directions even more loudly in the exact same manner he would have done had it been his son.

 Except that his daughter was not one of his sons. And the little girl, unlike her brothers, did not appreciate directions yelled out to her loudly from the sidelines. So in the middle of the count, she threw down her bat and walked off the field.

A different Dad, a few years later, in an effort to ignite some adrenaline in his daughter’s veins during a key soccer game called out Roxanne!!! Run faster!!What’s going on out there?!!

At which point the daughter stopped dead in her tracks and answered back so that the entire crowd could hear: Dad—how about you try running down the field with a pad stuck up your a**!!!

And at the end of one her more sucessfully played golf seasons, the golf coach, as part of his post season pep-talk, told my daughter You have amazing potential. I really want to see you dedicate yourself this summer to golf and only golf. And to be honest—if I do not see that you have put the maximum effort into your game this summer, I may have to think about your team placement next season.

Which resulted in my daughter storing her clubs, picking up her stick, and training at an intensive field hockey camp in Europe.

His speech was indeed motivational---just not in the direction the coach had intended.

Because when it comes to sports--- girls cannot be coached like boys. Girls require a more subtle hand. There is no nose immune to female spite. Inspiration is not born of intimidation or denunciation. No Viagra is ever needed to erect a middle finger.

And we have all learned that boys are made of snips [eels] and snails and puppy dog tails.

And as they are bottom feeders, they are not all that particular. Their teeny tiny simply evolved brains react to stimuli with no cognition.

But girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.

It takes a whole lot of sweat labor, processing, and complex step by step refinement to create granulated sugar and desiccated spice for anyone’s enjoyment.

Sugar and spice just ain’t easy.

And neither is coaching—especially when you are a reactionary eel and know nuthin’ about gettin’ some sugar.