Everything is a Thing

She grumpily said in her hardcore upstate New York accent: When did everything get so God damned complicated?

She was referring to the fact that her son had painstakingly and obsessively compulsively spelled out “Will you marry me” in Skittles in a courtyard in a Boston park. He then orchestrated an audience of family and friends to hide behind nearby  trees and bushes to  photograph, videograph and witness  the surprise proposal.

This mother  further added What was wrong with opening a velvet box in private—like his father did?

I could not help but giggle.

I sympathized with her bewilderment.

Because for Millennials, everything is a thing. Every event—large or small—private or not—is an excuse for a celebration and a posting.

Most recently I observed my niece in agony over choosing the right stationary, font and wording of the printed invitations to ask her closest friends to be in her bridal party. She also supplied a perfect gift to accompany the perfect invitation.

I thought Why does she need a printed invitation? What’s  wrong with asking your girlfriends over the phone to be in the wedding party—like I did? Why is a gift required—isn’t the gift given at the rehearsal dinner enough? Why must  every step and event be scrapbook fodder?

Weddings are a full time celebration:  pre-engagement party parties, extravagant 3 day destination bachelorette  parties, super inclusive rehearsal dinner  parties, and after parties to the wedding reception as well as after after parties.

It is endless.

Each event is clad with a pre and a post.

I blame it all on Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram.This generation knows nothing other than 100% documentation and competitive comparison.

Simplicity and privacy are passé.

Weddings are not just expensive, but exhausting.

But the ray of light is simply this: underneath it all is the realization that they will never pass this way again.

Millenials recognize that the whole is the sum of its parts.

Much can be said for transforming  moments into memories;  beneath the unsatiable appetite is a savoring.

And I for one, cannot wait for it to be my daughters’ turns, so I can get in on the tasting.

The Object of the Word

Fine. I admit it.

My thought was ethnically biased: a throwback to the days of inappropriate jokes.

Because when I passed by a store called Polish Couture my mind had difficulty processing the two words together. What could possibly be for sale inside? Embroidered full skirts and floral headdresses?

I was unaware that Poland could be a land of high fashion.

That is until it occurred to me that the place of business was a Korean nail salon. The word was polish—as in nail lacquer and not Polish as in sausage.

Accent matters.

And in the written word, usage of a #2 lead can result in an ambiguous lead. I object to the mishandled object in meaning—and defect from the word defect.

My Brother's Keeper

It is satire at its finest.

Ja’mie, the entitled popular private school girl in the HBO series of the same name says:

I have had a few suicide attempts so my Mom took away all the sharp stuff—like pens-- and like my tweezer—and my hair straightener so I don’t burn myself to death. But it is so ridiculous because if I really want to kill myself--I can---I mean for example I can just put my head over there, drop the window,  and like chop off my head.

Therein the wicked farcicality of that dialogue, lies the truth: Everyone has free will.

Which leads me to the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman. I am of the belief that every time an addict reaches for their drug of choice it is an attempt at suicide. Every time an addict walks away still breathing from their last hit it means their attempt failed.

Overdoses are successful auto- kills.

Which is why it is cruel when anyone judges the family and friends of a dead addict for “not being there” or for “not doing something.”

Because no one can control anyone else.

No one is ever anyone else’s keeper.

The self governs itself.

And as Ja’mie correctly observed: if someone really wants to die, they will figure out a way to do it and no one can stop it. 

Headline News

One of the things I enjoyed  most  when watching  the Tonight Show with Jay Leno was Headline News.

Jay brought attention to poorly worded advertisements and news reports--things like Join us for a guide dog barbeque this weekend.

Or:  A murdered man whose body was left in two different locations was found to be leading a double life.

The unintended meaning was just hilarious.

And Leno’s Headline News is what I was thinking about the other day when the female newscaster on Eyewitness News said in regard to State of the Union address: Stay tuned to find out why this local man will be in the first lady’s box tonight.

Somehow, I do not think the reporter said exactly what she meant.

And if she did, that is information none of us needs to know.