On Mother's Day

When my oldest daughter was in second grade, I, and several of my friends took a parenting course. It was one of the best things I ever did—better than T. Berry Brazelton. Because not only was Bonnie—the psychologist who ran the course--- well trained, she was also a mother herself. So her experience was vast and very personal.

And the well-made point that stuck with me was that children are the most egocentric creatures on the planet. They only care about their own needs. And the most important element for them was to feel safe. Children need to know at all times that there is someone there to take care of them. Yearning for safety drives behavior--- good or bad. And advancing age does not change that fact—age only makes the safety issue more tangled.

I have a very dear friend who by nature is gentle. She never has harsh words about anyone and her use of language is well mannered—she does not ever use curse words---even when she is angry. And she, like many of my closest friends, came to be in my social circle as a result of our children socializing. She is the parent of one of my daughter’s friends.

And when we (parents/friends) would get together we would often recount the difficulty of being the guiding hand of teenagers---particularly since our teenagers stood near the apex of the social strata in high school. It was positively exhausting—the required 24/7 vigilance sucked the life out of you.

One evening as we were discussing and comparing notes about our parental experiences, my very gentle natured friend—someone who rarely shared issues within her household---and certainly abstained from ever using colorful language inquired Has anyone ever been called the c-word by their child?

And the room fell silent.

Not just because being called the c-word is not a nice thing. Not just because for as many not-so-nice things as many of us had been called by our children that particular one didn’t come immediately to mind. It was because hearing this gentle woman say that word out loud was shocking. I didn’t even know she knew what the word was let alone hearing her let it loose in company.

And once we all got over our shock we reassured her that all kids were positively awful and that her child’s words weren’t personal. Her child was simply looking to get a reaction. She did not intend for it to be as hurtful as it sounded---even though it was most definitely hurtful. And as compassionate as we were, many of us secretly thought thank God I have never been called the c-word.

And one night when I was “in discussion” with one of my own children it happened to me---I too was called the c-word. And thankfully I recalled that I was not the only mother in the universe who had that word flung at her or my hands would have put my child in a choke hold. And as I stepped on my own anger I remembered what Bonnie had said: safety was driving her behavior. She was daring me to keep her safe—even in the face of her adolescent temper tantrum. She needed to know that I would still love her despite hurling evil verbage.

We hurt the ones we love because we feel safe enough to do so. It’s a back-handed compliment.

And that is what good mothering is all about—sifting through the words to find the real meaning—putting your own emotion outside the door to make room for your child’s emotion inside the room. It’s about saying everything and saying nothing---listening and not reacting. It’s about being a steel magnolia—knowing when to be soft and when to be unbending.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the great women who keep their children safe and loved. You are all the c-word: courageous, commendable, complete---and most of all: cherished by those who love you.