Too Much Self-Esteem

When my children were little, the prevailing trend in parenting was Bolstering Self-Esteem.

Failure, disappointment and rejection was to be averted at all costs. The unilateral theory was success bred success; and failure bred failure.

And so no one opened a gift at a birthday party because no one wanted the guests to feel badly about not receiving one. T-ball games were scoreless--both teams were winners. Kids received awards and trophies that were participation, and not skill or merit-based.

And this philosophy carried into the educational process. Teaming in Middle School became the norm. There were no more honor classes. Instruction was differentiated—not homogenous. Ten minutes was set aside every morning for touchy-feely discussions.

And in high school the athletic program was so strong that our teams routinely won state championships in multiple sports. Parents invested in private tutors to eek out their child’s maximum GPA.

Children grew up believing that they were entitled to the brass ring —it was a right irrespective of talent. Everyone was a winner—they had trophies and certificates to prove it. Everyone would go to college—even if it was the community college--- and everyone would pursue their passion as Oprah urged and get the job of their dreams.

At no point was disappointment a thought on the radar because all our children were wonderful and gifted and talented and extraordinary.

It was a lie.

And we created it.

And six weeks into my eldest daughter’s first semester in college she called me sobbing on the phone. I could barely hear her speak. The professor had given her a C on her paper. She cried how dare he do that to me--I have never received anything less than an A on a paper in my life!

And my middle daughter who graduated college from a tier one university with a meaty diploma in finance during the peak of the financial collapse found herself lucky enough to find her first job at a big banking institution—but it was not congruent with her passion—it was not the job of her dreams—it was beneath her cognitive ability. It merely paid the bills.

And my youngest daughter learned that when her university posted that a near perfect GPA was required to get into an elite abroad program—they meant it—they did not care how much service she gave on campus or how many professors recommended her.

My children had to learn much later than they should have how to dust themselves off.

My cheerleading, while well-intended, hindered resilience.

Life is full of disappointment. Even gifted, talented, and extraordinary people are not immune to it.

And I think the excess of the bolstering self-esteem philosophy has also exacerbated the bullying phenomena. Bullies understand that substandard actions still yield trophies and their misfortunate victims have no experiential skill set to combat personal adversity.

The reality is: scar tissue, by its nature, is stronger than unscarred tissue. All roads have bumps. Sometimes a little failure, as opposed to too much success, breeds success.

Which is why I am elated that the Garden City PTA is sponsoring a speaker on Fostering Resilience: Teaching Children to Thrive in Good and Bad Times.

Because teaching balanced self-esteem and resilience is better recipe for success. It is more concordant with reality.