Insult or Compliment?

A woman who might have been described as the b-word who played in my indoor tennis group once told me You play tennis quite well from no-man’s-land.

I didn’t know how to respond. I knew enough tennis strategy to know that no-man’s-land—the area mid-way between the service line and the back line of the court—was forbidden territory. No good tennis player stood there. But the woman also stated that I had skill—I had skill when I stood in the wrong spot. I couldn’t figure out whether it was a compliment or an insult.

When my youngest daughter was about 9 or 10 years old she won the club championship in her age bracket. It was an honor. She had talent. Her trophy was awarded at a ceremony which included all the adults—male and female—who had also won their division.

It was a big deal.

And when Kara’s name was announced, a woman who sat a few tables in front of me, who was a multiple time winner of the women’s championship, and the champion again that year, turned around and incredulously said to me I had no idea and then promptly turned back around again.

And it threw me. Instead of basking in the glory of my daughter’s win I instead felt dumbfounded—what was that comment supposed to mean? What didn’t she have an “idea” about? Was it Oh my goodness I had no idea-- what a delightful surprise? Or was it that because of her stature and reputation she felt slighted that no one had informed her of this news ahead of time?—in other words it was something she should have been told. Or was it more insidious—was she in disbelief that I, of so little athletic prowess could produce a child worthy of a trophy? How dare my gene pool rearrange itself to create a winning golfer?

It was a mystery. Because congratulations or good job would have been the best response to the announcement of my daughter’s name--more socially appropriate for the occasion. But that is not what she said—and all these years later, I am still wondering—was it a compliment or an insult?

I will never know.

But I have learned a new word for it from Z-100—it’s called a complisult—a dialectical word. It is any comment in which a compliment and an insult co-exist. Its intent is to create ambiguity—confusion. It is double barreled. Receivers of the complisult are rendered speechless because responding Thank you does not adequately address the comment. In fact some might say in a different cultural setting the correct response would be F-you. But responding F-you is not good country club etiquette. F-you is just a bit too ghetto.

And the woman who complimented my play in no-man’s-land shortly found herself in the middle of a contentious divorce. Apparently for about 20 years or so she threw lots of complisults at her husband. And his response was a big F-you in the pocketbook.

 No more tennis for her.