When a Woman Lies

I was flipping through the television channels on Sunday night when I stumbled on Oprah’s Master Class. Iyanla Vanzant was on. She was saying that men and women lie about things differently. Men lie to bolster themselves—to appear better than they are. Men lie to make themselves look good in front of others—irrespective of  feelings.

Women are motivated by other factors.

They lie to diffuse and distract. Women lie to draw attention away from themselves—to appear less than what they are. Their lying is tied to empathy—they do not want others to feel badly.

At a recent gathering with girlfriends, one woman was describing an amazing event that she had been invited to. And while discussing what to wear and how to accessorize it, another friend said in a very complimentary way If you need help you can always ask Karen.

I was completely uncomfortable. I was nearly annoyed at being singled out. I imagined all the other women in the room thinking I am just as fashion savvy as she is.

And so I scrambled to downplay the compliment. I did not want anyone to think that I thought that I could do a better job than they could have. So I said That’s not true—any of us in this room could figure out what to wear and how to accessorize it.

And then—as is my nature—I thought to interject a bit of humor because I also did not want to offend the person who had given me the compliment. So after denying being more skilled at the what to wear issue I said—but then again I do have 3 daughters-- and so I guess I have three times everyone else’s experience—so maybe she is right after all!

Diffusion, distraction, denial and empathy is so very exhausting.

And what I know for sure is that any man in a similar situation would have jumped at the opportunity to have been touted better than his friends. In fact a man would have listed why he was better at even more things. He would have extended the compliment—not sought to squelch it. A man would also not have worried about the feelings of every other man in the room.

The only feelings that would have mattered would have been his own.

Which is why the response of woman being asked by another woman Does my butt look big? will often say—Are you kidding? Just look in the mirror. I wish my butt looked as good as yours.

Even if it is a total lie.