To the Victor Goes the Natty Light

According to the United States Office of Justice up to 81% of high school students engage in underage drinking on a regular basis. And by the word engage they mean everything from a few sips from a Solo cup during a game of beer pong to full out binging several times a month. Unfortunately, my girls did not fall in the 19% that abstained from alcohol consumption. I spend eight years of my life as Commissioner of the Ciccone Family Alcohol Police Department. And the only reason my tenure extended for merely 8 years was because once the little darlings went off to college, I waived the white flag. Victory went to the Natty Light. As one of my daughter’s friends once famously said in a drunken ramble during her first winter break home from school: We’re in college now.

If one can glean anything from that hefty 81% number, it would be this: If up to 81% of higher schoolers drink on a regular basis then without question it isn’t just the “bad kids” or the “cool kids” or the “athletes” (you know, the groups of kids notoriously blamed for every social evil in high school) knocking them back on Friday and Saturday nights. If 81% of high schoolers drink, then at least some of them, if not most of them are “good kids” who likely have “good parents”.

And if that is so, then the only difference between drinking on a random weekend night during the year and drinking on an event night like prom, or the Winter Wonderland or a graduation party is the outfits, makeup and hair that is worn when they drink. There seems to be this misconception among neophyte yet well intentioned parents that special events cause underage drinking. No no no. They will drink event or not. On the nights of special events they just purchase higher end alcohol products to meet their more upscale attire. In fact, one could argue that kids are safer during the evenings of special events because for the 3 or 4 hours they are at the event, they aren’t drinking. Hmm that’s a concept.

Be certain of this: I am not condoning teenage drinking. It is dangerous and illegal.  But when my daughters would say to me: Mom. Everyone drinks.  Guess what?—they weren’t lying. I was the one who was misinformed.  And there is data to support their snotty remark. Good kids from nice towns from good families engage in underage drinking. “Just say no” isn’t working. Not when middle schoolers can learn how to play beer pong and proper funneling technique off of Youtube. Maybe, just like we give the message of Abstinence is best when it comes to sex, but if you do have sex, use a condom and be safe needs to apply to underage drinking: Don’t drink, but if you do, limit the amount and be safe about it. Maybe teaching responsible drinking will save more lives than expecting alcohol abstinence.

The good news for me is that in 10 months my youngest child turns 21. It’s almost over. Thank God. And when the kid who lives behind me turns 21, I won’t have to clean out the bags of empty beer cans he leaves behind my garage.