Dad Versus Mom's Decisions

My friend Susan would often discern between what she would call a Mom’s decision versus a Dad’s decision. Her point was a Dad often had a different perspective than the Mom. Dads were wired differently. Sometimes testosterone clouded rational thought. The rules in a Dad’s world were diametrically opposed to a Mom’s—no matter how dedicated the Dad was to good parenting.

When my kids were little we joined the Garden City pool every summer. It was a great place for both families and children to hang out. It also was a great place to observe behavior. One had the opportunity to view how other children played as well as observe how other adults executed parenting skills.

One day at the pool there was a family with two children camped out next to me. The son was about 3ish  and the daughter was about a year old. And at the end of the day, the Mom turned to the Dad and said I am going to bring Norman (not his name) to shower and get dressed. You stay here and get Suzy (not her name) out of her bathing suit and into her clothes to go home.

Suzy—the one year old, had been swimming all day. Swimmer diapers had not been invented yet. Before swimmer diapers were invented pool water would be absorbed in a diaper to the point of explosion—not to mention that the weight and expanded size of the diaper seriously impacted a childs’ ability to walk properly. So after a day of swimming, Suzie’s diaper was nearly the weight and size of Suzy.

And the Dad—following his wife’s exact directions--- did as he was told. He removed the bathing suit off of the little girl and then fought her nearly exploded diaper to dress Suzie into her romper.

I simply watched the show and waited for the fireworks to begin.

The Mom returned. The Mom then looked at the little girl and said You did change her diaper right? And the Dad said No—you never told me to. And the Mom said How could you get her dressed without changing her diaper first? Didn’t you notice that she needed to be changed? And he said the diaper looked fine to me—I thought you would change her when we got home. And the Mom called him a not so nice name and then changed the little girls’ diaper and got her redressed. All the while the Dad said I do not understand how you expected me to know that.

At the dentist the other day the dental assistant was complaining about her ex-husband. She was annoyed that she had to tell him that when their daughter went in for arthroscopic surgery on her knee the Dad needed to wait at the hospital during the surgery. The Dad didn’t understand why he couldn’t go to work and just return when his daughter woke up from the anesthesia. The dental assistant called him the very same no so nice word the woman with the baby called her husband.

But I explained to the dental assistant that while her ex-husband might truly be the not so nice word she called him, even good husbands and Dads might have thought the same thing. I explained that Dad decisions differed from Mom decisions. It was just the way it was. Somehow the testosterone interfered with rational thought.

Because no mother would ever dress their child without changing the child’s diaper first. No mother would ever go home while their child had surgery. No mother would ever think of herself before her child or not think of life’s ramifications five minutes from now. We are not wired that way. Which is why Moms and Dads often disagree when it comes to child rearing. Moms and Dads are not just on two different pages—they are in two different books. Moms are nesters, Dads are hunters. Unless women give men clear directions, they have no idea how or where to turn. Or as they say in the movie my Big Fat Greek Wedding: Men maybe the head, but the women are the neck—and the head cannot turn without the neck.