Saying "No"

For the last ten years or so my mother has been asking me to help her clean out her coat closet. Every time she asks me I refuse. I do not feel that that is my job—no matter how much she tells me that she is my poor old widowed mother. I don’t mind doing lots of other important things—but the coat closet is not one of them. I feel absolutely no guilt in my refusal. I feel no need to please her. I tell her I will do it when she dies—when I have to.

When Sam was a senior in high school there was a plan to spend the day at Belmont Park for the Belmont Stakes. About twenty or more of her friends were to meet late morning at the LIRR strain station and then take a subway to the racetrack. It sounded like fun to everyone but me. To me it sounded like an all day opportunity to imbibe. And I had hoped that the plans would have fallen apart on its own but it did not. And when Sam protested and said everyone is going she was correct. I was the only one who said no. And not only did Sam think I was a mean mother but I got that same impression from some of the other parents too. And part of the pressure came from the fact that one of the horses that was running in the Belmont Stakes had the opportunity to win the triple crown. Whomever attended may have seen history happen before their eyes. The pressure and guilt was compounded. Perhaps I should have pleased her instead of myself.

And the entire day of the race Sam sat home because there was no one to hang out with---and I questioned my decision—especially at race time when the horse nearly won the race.

But it turned out that the police at Belmont Park that day were particularly restrictive. Lots of citations for underage drinking were issued. Some of those citations went to her friends.

Many people have the disease to please. Some people like me only have a mild case. For the most part I have no trouble saying No to things I really do not think I am comfortable with. It’s why I walked away from the presidency of PTA and a host of other things. 

It is said that one of the fundamental reasons Steve Jobs became a success is that he understood the value of the word “no”. He executed the “no” swiftly and regretlessly. It is how he built his empire. It is also how I build mine. Although I will probably take my mother to the Dollar store this week even though I do not want to—there are a few hairline cracks in the empire.