Too Old to Party like a Rock Star

Caroline Kennedy recently released some interview tapes of her mother Jacqueline Kennedy. The conversation was at times quite surprising. Some of Jackie Kennedy’s comments seemed so dated—particularly when she discussed a woman’s role in marriage. But the comment that most intrigued me was how on the day of JFK’s inauguration she was so physically exhausted she resorted to taking a little red pill—Dexedrine—an amphetamine. The new first lady took speed.

And she described how the pill energized her and enabled her to dance and socialize at all the balls---that is until she crashed at 1 am. But the pill had served her well--and no one was the wiser. In the 1960’s amphetamines were regularly prescribed. People swallowed them like candy. Even my mother took them—they were called “diet pills.”  And when people needed to come down from racing around like a rabbit from the little red pill, they took a little yellow pill—valium. The Rolling Stones even wrote a song  about that little yellow pill called Mother’s Little Helper.

But the crazy cycle of pill taking often led to addiction and even death—particularly when people mixed the drugs with alcohol. Things are different now. People do not take Dexedrine and valium anymore. They have been replaced with more socially acceptable and less addicting drugs like Zoloft and xanax.

For an entire year I have been anticipating and preparing for my nephew’s wedding. It is on a Friday. And the reception is out east in vineyard country on the Long Island Sound. Technically it is a destination wedding.

For me, preparing for a wedding requires a lot more primping than it used to. I like to say it takes the entire village of Garden City to get me photo ready—a special manicure/pedicure, spray tan, updo, and airbrushed make-up. And I will color and highlight my hair the week before. I may even get a Brazilian blow out and use some Crest whitening strips. Beautification is a team project.

And when my nephew’s wedding invitation arrived a few weeks ago, I cried. I felt that emotional. It was a combination of I am so excited and I can’t believe baby Andrew is getting married. And the next day I also cried—because a  second wedding invitation had arrived—it was to a platinum client/associate wedding on the Brooklyn piers—and the date of the wedding was the day after my nephew’s. And I knew my attendance was required. Ordinarily it wouldn’t bother me to go --but I am too old to do back to back weddings.  I haven’t the energy---nor will I be able to re-primp myself satisfactorily in such a short amount of time. And Dexedrine is not an option--nor a second hair and make-up session.

 By accident I once gave Jasper (my Wheaton terrier) a double dose of his thyroid pill (he suffers from a sluggish metabolism.) Upon receiving that double dose my 15 year old dog ran around like a puppy. His energy level was nothing short of miraculous.

So I have to wonder what would happen if I took one of Jasper’s little pink pills the day after my nephew’s wedding—would I be able to party like a rock star? Would I at least be able to party like Jackie Kennedy at the inaugural balls ? Probably not. More likely I will bark like a dog and piddle when I get excited—neither of which is very impressive around work people. Or maybe there is another option-- to have eyeballs painted on my eyelids by the make-up artist. Then when I fall asleep people will think I am awake—just as long as I don’t drool.